what you got til it's gone...



Last night I had a conversation with Remy. Remy is a friend that I've had since the end of 2004. We were engaged in general discussion for awhlie but then I focused our conversation to a specific topic. I asked her "Where did I go wrong with you?" and at first she didn't understand the question. So I explained my question was really regarding, why things between us never really went anywhere. I had my own impression of why, but I wanted to know her view as it probably had more relevance on the subject than mine.

My view on why we never really took off was inconsistency. When I first met Remy I didn't really look at her in anyway. She just had the vibe of someone interesting to hang out with. In this early stage of our relationship, things were platonic. I had the impression for sometime she was interested but I didn't really pay it much attention. It took her becoming interested in a mutual friend for me to become jealous and think "what about me?" even though all that time I wasn't even giving it any thought. The two of them never really established anything solid but after their mingling she did find a boyfriend who she was with for the next year and a half. She moved to Florida with him as well. This was a point where I thought I waited to long to consider her as even an option.

Fast forward to April 2007, she and this guy broke off their engagement and she was moving back to NY. I thought to myself here I have a chance again. We spent time together, and we chatted more often, but still it was inconsistent. We'd get really close and open with each other and then our conversations would be sparse and fleeting. There were other guys who shared interest in her and so I didn't pursue it to the extent that maybe I should've. We did however become very close during this period of time, and I was very flirtatious with her. We were sweet with each other, but still maintained platonic distance, allowing the other to do as the other pleased without it affecting us. And this is how we remained.

Last year she started dating somebody, which meant I had to give up on some of the pleasantries of our relationship, out of respect for the guy she began dating. The kind of jealousy I had in 2005 isn't the kind of thing that took place last year. I wasn't mad, I wasn't upset, I wasn't thinking what about me, while I was slightly bummed to give up on the intimacy I gave her when we spent time together, I was happy that she seemed to find someone she was interested in.

Anyhow, her take on it. She said she didn't take any of my advances as anything more than friendly. That my signals got misinterpreted. And that things may have been different had I made myself more clear.

As I sit here and write this entry, and I reflect on that, I realize that even at this stage of me, it's probably better the way things are. Remy is awesome. She is one soul I can be very forthcoming with, one person I'm probably more open with than other people. I once asked on myspace for my friends to write a 150 word essay on why they were my friend, she was one of 2 who actually did it. I failed to write hers, and maybe this entry will make up for that. But when it all boils down, I am, as I was, inconsistent. She deserves better than that, and right now it seems she has better than that. I just worry that one day I'll look back and think "That's the one that got away."

Anyway, for you brave souls who have read thus far, make your attentiveness known, and share your feedback.

Published on blogspot, facebook, myspace, & crushspot.

I had another thought in mind to post today but I'll hold off on it, it's not going anywhere.

Today I decided to head into brooklyn to get my shape up. It's a typical Thursday ritual since I've been back on the east coast since january. I had a brain fart trying to think of the word ritual just now. But back to the topic at hand.

I meant to leave jersey city around 4 to get into brooklyn by 5, but my normal bouncing around resulted in me leaving around 5 instead. As the World Trade Center PATH train rolled in I began walking towards the doors to the 2nd car when this girl walked past me to go into 1st car. Something about her face was so familiar that I turned around and reached for her shoulder. I asked her if she went to Bishop Ford (the high school I graduated from), to which she said yes. At this point we boarded the train and I asked her what year she graduated. She had graduated 2001, I graduated 2002. We conversed all the way through to Brooklyn. It was just an interesting experience.

She told me she worked at the prosecutor's office here in Jersey City. Where she works they get all the complaints dealing with a lot of horrible crimes, reading the reports and hearing 1st hand accounts from victims. It's a hard job, I don't think I would be capable of a position like that. We talked about how emotionally draining it is. I know personally watching Law & Order / SVU cases how crazy it is to me how I'll feel empathetic for the characters knowing it's fake, but she meets people going through these things in real life.

We also talked about bumping into people from high school, friend requests from people from high school on facebook, people that you weren't really friends with back then. She expressed she had no interest in it. I on the other hand had a different take on things. Some people are who they were in high school, and some people are different people. And some, because of any of a multitude of reasons never interacted with people while they had the daily opportunity to, and this is possibly the time for it.

But it was nice to make a connection with someone I sorta but really didn't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm so far gone when it comes to human interaction.

Until next time. Published on blogspot, myspace, facebook, and crushspot.

So I'm sitting on a bus, tapping away at my iPod touch which went ignored for weeks, heading to toronto to attend a casting call tomorrow. I planned to take it slow on the acting career but I saw this opportunity and said what the hell. I already designated this year as the year of just do it, meaning if there's something you want, go after it. Wondering what if is worse than failure.

Comments disabled because this is really just for reading.

I'm currently in New York. I don't have the speediest internet. I'm using one of those Sprint mobile broadband cards. They have wifi in Barnes & Nobles though, and I'll probably be passing through there a couple of times.

Image Uploads
I can't pinpoint currently why the servers are getting so overloaded, but I'm planning to get a separate server just to host the images. Currently the photo library is stored on one of the regular site servers. This has to be thoughtover well as it's not as simple as just setting up another server and having images uploaded to it, but there's also the issue of migrating the current photos over. This is being planned out, and will be handled as soon as it's possible. For the time being, if you can't upload pictures, just try again later. Hopefully I can resolve the load issues that cause the upload problems before it takes the time to set up a separate server.

Speed Issues
I've been monitoring activity and long running requests and have found a couple situations that can be alleviated. Adjusting the issue will require some downtime, perhaps as long as 3 to 6 hours. If I can, I'll get to this sometime next week in the early hours of the day. It requires some programming alterations, and some changes to the infrastructure, which I'm currently working on.

I know things get slow n bad sometimes and it seems like it takes forever for things to be fixed, but it's just one guy running this website. Although I have some potential partners, so updates and fixes and speed boosts may be on the fast track soon.

The following blog entry is not my attempt at whining, bitching, complaining, etc. The following is my attempt at being understood. People make assumptions about this, that, and the third, but often don't bother attempt to get the actual story. This is the actual story. You're entitled to believe it bullshit if you choose, but that's life. Whether you believe what I say or not, doesn't change its validity.

When I created this site, which as previously mentioned is my first extensive creation, I didn't expect things to turn out the way they did. Had I done my research, or even spent more time working on it, things would have ran much more smoothly. But the past is the past, and so I do my research now and do what I can to improve the site functionality and quality when I have the opportunity. I even took the semester off to recode and better design the site. That's my dedication to this.

In opening months, I was optimistic. Everyone was friendly with everyone else. People helped one another out with problems that they had. The site was not the every other minute roasting, newbie bashing, arrogant and ignorant commentary that it appears today. I couldn't find a common ground with some people though. People complained when I was too strict, people complained when I was too lenient. People often claim they want fair rules, but they want rules that are lenient to them, and strict to other people. It just couldn't work that way. My intentions have always been good, but my actions have not always been able to be good as well.

People have made complaints about the job the moderators and the admins have been doing. Picking moderators and administrators is not simple. For one, almost everyone who wants either position has their own personal agenda. Despite the nonsense people say about the Internet is just a place where they spend time and they don't take it serious, most people go on a power trip because they have some additional abilities on a website. E-egos No